What the heck am I doing here?

Well well well. This has been a long time in the making.

I have thought about blogging for the past number of years. My friend Sarah and I wanted to start a celebrity gossip/social commentary blog because we think the emails we send back and forth to each other with our cheeky comments about celebrities' latest career forays and flops, wardrobe malfunctions and/or general lack of fashion sense, accidental pregnancies, accidental marriages, etc., are quite clever. If we do say so ourselves. I have wanted to start other blogs too. I write in journals a lot, so of course I have thought about writing online instead. When I moved to London last January with my boyfriend, I came thisclose to starting a blog about our life here, and balked.

What has stopped me each time? The audience factor. Sarah and I came to the realization that we think our emails are so hilarious because they are full of inside jokes that crack up us and us alone. I don't necessarily want total strangers reading my personal journal entries, and at the same time have a fear that nobody would. Same with the London blog-that-never-was: what if none of our friends or family read it? What if no one was interested? Because surely, at the heart of every blog entry everywhere, is a desire to connect. A hope that what you write will engage someone else on some sort of level that will enrich the experience for both reader and writer.

So what finally motivated me to join the zillions of bloggers out there? What the heck am I doing here and what do I hope to accomplish with Cancer Nerd?

Some quick background information on me and my experience as a cancer caregiver and advocate: My stepdad John was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2002, and died 20 months later. He was 64 years old. Although I did not realize it at the time, I became an advocate the day the disease crashed into our lives with his diagnosis. Since John's death, I have become increasingly active in colorectal cancer advocacy. I fundraise for and run a fabulous race every year in Central Park, the Colon Cancer Challenge. From May 2006 until I moved to London in January 2008, I was the coordinator of the New York City chapter of the Colon Cancer Alliance (CCA), a wonderful advocacy and support organization. I want to get the word out there so that people know they need to be screened for this disease, and then actually follow through with their appointments. Even though colon cancer ran in John's family, he procrastinated about getting a colonoscopy until it was too late. A great man's life was cut short, leaving my mom and me heartbroken. No one should have to experience such a thing if it can be avoided. And with colon and other cancers, I have learned, it often can.

I want to help get a message out to caregivers too. I want those who are thrust into the heartwrenching role of caring for a sick loved one to know that it is ok to ask questions, to do research, to understand what is happening. When John was sick, I felt helpless. I didn't realize I could have asked his doctors why they were choosing specific chemotherapy drugs, or why they did not operate. I could have asked if there were any clinical trials available. I could have picked up a book or Googled "colon cancer" to understand what and where a colon is, and how and why they become infested with cancerous cells and tumors. Some people don't want to know. And that's ok too. But I did, and I didn't do anything about it. Well, I am now.

Being a cancer awareness advocate has made two things crystal clear to me: first, that I want to devote my life to cancer advocacy; and second, that I have a lot to learn. The members of my CCA chapter, most of whom are survivors with incredibly inspirational stories to share, would chat about different drugs and treatments, ostomies, surgeries, even body parts with which I was totally unfamiliar. At the time, I had a full-time job in addition to my volunteer work with CCA and other non-profit organizations, and in my downtime I preferred to watch "Dancing with the Stars" or read PerezHilton.com or smooch my boyfriend than Google "iliostomy" or "Erbitux" or learn about the four stages of cancer. But then I left my job to move across the pond to be with my boyfriend and, as my mom says, "take a swim in Lake Me." I am currently in the fortunate position of being unable to obtain a work visa, and I have been accepted to an MBA program that starts in the fall. So for now, I am on a pontoon boat out in the middle of Lake Me, with a giant stack of cancer history and science books for company.

I have become a total cancer nerd with a voracious appetite to learn everything I can about this horrendous disease. I want to know what it is, where it comes from, how it develops. I want to know why some people beat it and others don't. I also want to learn about the history of cancer advocacy. Who were the pioneers, who declared the "War on Cancer" and how have we not won it yet? Are we still at war at all?

As I plow through the books weighing down the bookshelves of our tiny house in London, I will post about them. I watched the PBS special "The Truth About Cancer" last night (thanks to the miracle of modern technology that is the Slingbox, I can watch my mom's TV in New York on my computer here in London) and it wrecked me and I need to explore why, so I'll write about that too. I'm not here to offer medical advice or even particularly well-written prose. I'm here for myself with a faint - but strong - glimmer of hope in my heart that my being here might help someone else.

My highest and dearest hope for this blog is this: at some point, someone who is currently coping with cancer in whatever capacity will stumble upon this humble little blog and see a post that, for whatever reason, will help them. Maybe they are looking for a good cancer history or basic science book to read. Maybe they want to know about some organizations that are making great strides against this disease. Maybe they just need to know that they are not alone.

You're not. And, apparently, neither am I.